Posted at 12:00 • 15 MAY • Tobi Kosanke

If only animals could read. My life on the farm would be so much easier...

Dear Chickens, Geese and Ducks: Yanking on my pant legs and nibbling on my toes will NOT get you fed any faster. In fact, all of that attention to my lower extremeties makes for very slow, treacherous travel between the food storage room and the feeding area. And if you'd move your little feet out of the way, I would step on them a lot less. Thank you. The Management.

Dear New Duck Arrivals: Welcome to Crazy K Farm! We are pleased to offer you a home for life. You have the ability to free range on 35 acres to hearts' content. You have a pond to play in and bug delicacies of all sorts to snack on 24/7. Please consider the above before deciding to pile up on our doorstep, leaving those lovely little well-placed packets of duck butter for us to slip on. Thank you. The Management.

Dear Geese: When the person who feeds you leans over with the food bucket it is very rude behavior to bite them on the butt. Please refrain from this behavior or it will be the last bucket of food you ever receive. We appreciate your assistance on this matter. The Management.

Dear Chickens and One Nutty Duck: The coop doors open promptly at 8 am. The purpose of this is to enable you free-loading, err, free-ranging fowl to safely wander 35 gorgeous grub-filled acres guarded by dogs. The coops are not a place to spend the day discussing (hens), fighting (roosters) or sleeping (duck). Please use this time to feed yourselves, enjoy the weather, and get some exercise. The Management.

Dear Ducks: My height is 5' 4". Please take this into consideration when flying in for breakfast and you won't have to adjust your flight path at the last minute to avoid hitting me in the head. Although I greatly appreciate your willingness to avoid braining me, I would prefer to not view your bellies 1/16 of an inch above my head every morning. Your assistance in this matter is greatly appreciated. The Management.

Dear Chickens: There are over 30 nesting boxes on the farm. There really is no reason for three or four of you to squash yourselves wildly into a single box and lay eggs on top of each other. This action often results in eggs hitting the floor. Please note that I sell those eggs to pay your food and medical bills and would therefore appreciate your sticking to the rule "one chicken per box." The Management.

Dear Orphaned Ducklings: I appreciate your waiting in a pile at the door for me to come bring you in at night. However, please don't panic and scatter like I am going to eat you. We do not eat the animals on our farm. Once I pick you up you happily melt from all the love and attention I lavish on you. Try to keep this latter point in mind every evening during duckling collection time. The Management.

Dear Orphaned Ducklings: Congratulations on your successful adoption! I honor your fortitude in wearing down the nerves and resistance of the Momma Duck with the two young babies. All four of you orphans managed to slip under her time and time again no matter how forcefully she expelled you. Good job! I am so proud of you! Please know that you can always come home. Be warm. The Management.

Posted at 12:00 • 15 MAY • Tobi Kosanke

If only animals could read. My life on the farm would be so much easier...

Dear Chickens, Geese and Ducks: Yanking on my pant legs and nibbling on my toes will NOT get you fed any faster. In fact, all of that attention to my lower extremeties makes for very slow, treacherous travel between the food storage room and the feeding area. And if you'd move your little feet out of the way, I would step on them a lot less. Thank you. The Management.

Dear New Duck Arrivals: Welcome to Crazy K Farm! We are pleased to offer you a home for life. You have the ability to free range on 35 acres to hearts' content. You have a pond to play in and bug delicacies of all sorts to snack on 24/7. Please consider the above before deciding to pile up on our doorstep, leaving those lovely little well-placed packets of duck butter for us to slip on. Thank you. The Management.

Dear Geese: When the person who feeds you leans over with the food bucket it is very rude behavior to bite them on the butt. Please refrain from this behavior or it will be the last bucket of food you ever receive. We appreciate your assistance on this matter. The Management.

Dear Chickens and One Nutty Duck: The coop doors open promptly at 8 am. The purpose of this is to enable you free-loading, err, free-ranging fowl to safely wander 35 gorgeous grub-filled acres guarded by dogs. The coops are not a place to spend the day discussing (hens), fighting (roosters) or sleeping (duck). Please use this time to feed yourselves, enjoy the weather, and get some exercise. The Management.

Dear Ducks: My height is 5' 4". Please take this into consideration when flying in for breakfast and you won't have to adjust your flight path at the last minute to avoid hitting me in the head. Although I greatly appreciate your willingness to avoid braining me, I would prefer to not view your bellies 1/16 of an inch above my head every morning. Your assistance in this matter is greatly appreciated. The Management.

Dear Chickens: There are over 30 nesting boxes on the farm. There really is no reason for three or four of you to squash yourselves wildly into a single box and lay eggs on top of each other. This action often results in eggs hitting the floor. Please note that I sell those eggs to pay your food and medical bills and would therefore appreciate your sticking to the rule "one chicken per box." The Management.

Dear Orphaned Ducklings: I appreciate your waiting in a pile at the door for me to come bring you in at night. However, please don't panic and scatter like I am going to eat you. We do not eat the animals on our farm. Once I pick you up you happily melt from all the love and attention I lavish on you. Try to keep this latter point in mind every evening during duckling collection time. The Management.

Dear Orphaned Ducklings: Congratulations on your successful adoption! I honor your fortitude in wearing down the nerves and resistance of the Momma Duck with the two young babies. All four of you orphans managed to slip under her time and time again no matter how forcefully she expelled you. Good job! I am so proud of you! Please know that you can always come home. Be warm. The Management.